You hide things about yourself and piece yourself into horcruxes. You distribute them among people, each holding a piece but not having a slightest clue as to who you really are. Its like building some kind mystery that calls for attention and wants to be known but you don't even know which parts are real and which parts were made up along the way.

Real is truth. Truth is never partial. A part truth is taken out of context and becomes falsehood. The lack of truth is always past tense because the truth departs from it. Truth is prevalent. Truth is ever-lasting. Truth is only this moment.

Do we look for truth by seeking out lies? Is the truth something that hides that you need to search for? I've heard that the truth lies within. So does the truth hide itself within you? So what is it that you try to hide in others? Have you developed a lie and established it as the truth about you? What happens to the truth then?

Hunting for horcruxes is like chasing an illusion. You move a step forward but you only take a step back. You'll never catch it because it doesn't exist. Why do you search for something that doesn't exist? You are chasing a dream in your sleep but you wake up to a reality that is embittered by your illusion. 

You made an illusion real only by the power of belief. It is all in your head. In fiction, you are so busy thinking, there is no time to do anything else. In fact, time doesn't exist because you live in your head.

All in my head.

I am not a dreamcatcher.

Your dreams are yours to keep. I would never sneak into your sleep to steal hope, and that which keeps you alive, to leave you for dead. Those who dare, dream. Those who don't, sleep. I woke up to a dream. I never dreamt that that would keep me awake. 

I am not a thief in the night.

I cannot take something that I cannot keep. My pocket only runs so deep. Those are big shoes to fill. I simply do not have feet that fit. I did peer into the dark but I am only looking for pieces to a broken part. I found your territory curious but I knew it was never mine to charter. I never had a dream to keep me awake and I am not awake for a dream.

I am, not anymore.

All notions I am, I am not. All that is left of me is in your mind. If you seek me, peace will rest in an obituary. You die for what keeps you alive. How can I be the dreamcatcher when I am a bad dream when I am awake. I would rather be asleep so you could stay awake.

...setting fire to our insides for fun

“Fuck me. I'm so tired of being me. Me beautiful. Me ugly. Blonde. Brunette. A million fucking fashion makeovers that only leave me trapped being me. Who I was before the accident is just a story now. Everything before now, before now, before now, is just a story I carry around. I guess that would apply to anybody in the world. What I need is a new story about who I am. What I need to do is fuck up so bad I can't save myself.” 

- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

Reading Chuck is like rekindling and reigniting an old flame. Now watch me burn.

I had a dream, but there was nothing Martin Luther King about it. I think my soul was trippin' or sumda. I was having a conversation with a friend in KL and we were talking about age and maturity.

For real, this is not something I even bother about but in that dream, I asked my friend how old his girlfriend is. He simply said to me that she is as old as she is, so I was like, dude, just tell me her age.

Then he told me that age, based on time, had no significance to anything. Your real age is a sum of your decisions and experiences, the way you look at the world, how you behave in the present moment. That is how your age looks like.

Age is measured by time, but time is so relative. Age is society's yardstick to things you're expected to have or be. For example, 

6 : Go to school
16: Complete Secondary Education
19: Complete Tertiary Education
21: Complete a Bachelor's Degree
22: Start Working
25: Get married
26: Have children
62: Retire
80: Waiting to die

Age is a yardstick for society just as height ia a yardstick for rollercoasters. According to the timeline, I'm still 22. I could also be 62, and on some bad days, I'm 80. That makes me the anti-christ of Benjamin Button. Age is an inaccurate measure. Or maybe I'm in denial because I'm turning 29 in a few months so my mind is passively bothered and decided to dream about it. My mind has a mind of its own. Dear mind, please think better thoughts and have better opinions.

In other news, I had my face restitched and there are probably 40 stitches. Youch, I know. I guess I should change my moniker to Scarface, except I don't think monikers should be allowed for anyone above 25. 

My heart broke today when I spoke to an old friend. I feel so lousy for being a bad person in general who has ill thoughts about people and hold grievances. My friend was my exact opposite. 

In all honesty, I think my only legit reason for my lousy ways is that I have a fear of loss. I guess that is why I speak about it so often. It is because I am still afraid of losing the things that mean alot to me. I've tried to work on it for a pretty long time but it doesn't look like I've gotten far with it.

I've been engaging in more monologues because dialogues are abit too much of an interaction, since it involves another party and I could easily lose control of what I might say. Perhaps, it is best to keep silent and hold my peace. I would love to give a piece of my mind but why should I appease my mind when my own thoughts are treacherous. I am much too vulnerable for that right now because speech can be lethal and I am my own worst nightmare.

Till next time,

- love and light, adrenalene

It's been a while since the last post. I've been post-dating my opinions and thoughts, and oh how they flee. I use them like everyday clothes; wear it, wash it, wear it again, then forget about  it completely.

Tis' the season to celebrate and ask for forgiveness for last season's mistakes and repeat cycle next season. Forgive and forget, right?

Then there are those who say that they can forgive but they cannot forget. What kind of sophisticated fuckery is this?

Imagine you're on a plane to Iceland and you have a transit in London. You stopover in London but you decide that London will be your final destination. It still doesn't turn London into Iceland. London may have beautiful places that looks like Iceland, but just because it resembles it, does not turn it into a different entity. Doing something halfway doesn't make it done. Yes, actions are based by intentions but what are your intentions and how constant are they?

Speaking of beauty, I was poking fun at my little cousin saying that he liked this hot girl on tv. He merely shook his head and said, 'It's only beauty.' (I suppose this is an appropriate cue for a **facepalm** or is there a newer cooler cue I am unaware of. Bah bah black sheep)

I do look at others and envy them for their external beauty, but often forget that it is only beauty. I know that this reeks of my own insecurity and I allow further propagation through the use of social media. I know that my mind is wired wrong and wasting electricity on dim matters. 

Time for analogy #2. So if you're a computer, the thing that matters most is your motherboard. External beauty is like an external hard disk, you can simply do without it. Here too, lies the question; what do you use your computer for? Your clue to your established purpose is stored in your hard disk, and even if you thrash your data and cookies, there is always muscle memory. Plus, you should never thrash your cookies, you should dunk them in milk. Meiji waddup.

I think we tend to look too much in the mirror and do a poor self-reflection. It was never about staring at the mirror but it was more about gazing back into the self. Since I know little of my self, lets scrutinize the mirror instead. 

I think a world without mirrors could potentially solve alot of self-issues. If you never knew how you looked like, how can you even begin to feel physically inferior? You would not compare yourself to others based on physical beauty. There would be no camwhoring and narcissism is no longer perpetuated. Herein begins selflessness. No one needs social media. No marketing a 'need' since we have everything we need. No consumerism. No economy. No banks. No government. Just really happy people. Riiight. My ideas are perfect as long as you don't execute them. I don't even execute them. But i x.ecute.one@hotmail.com. 

Lets face it. I am confused x 10,000, but please allow me to give you a qualitative explanation for what quantity cannot justify my level of confusion. Whatever la Azlin. 

Time for analogy number 3. Imagine you have a pencil and a pencil box. You put your pencil in the box, but is your pencil in the box or is your box outside of the pencil? Yuh, I know. That was hashtag deep. 

- love and light, adrenalene

How epic is this! There's even a girl who sings like angel and plays the motherlovin' harp. Oh nuuuu. I'm in love with a new girl. Cocorosie whuttup.

- love and light, adrenalene